I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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