Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
