i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
