Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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