I am midnight drunk by noon
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
