Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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