i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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