I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
