My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
