I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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