i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
