I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
