There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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