My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
