Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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