wanna go halves on a baby?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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