Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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