Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
