I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
