is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
