Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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