There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
