watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
