it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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