You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
