someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
