im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
