He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
