bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
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He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
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It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize