whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
