Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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