when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
