Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
