Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
