Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
