I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
