And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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