On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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