wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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