How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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