All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
