so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
