I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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