The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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