Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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