I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I want her autograph on my taint
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
