omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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