Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
