Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
3 2 1 whiskey
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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