im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
