Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
