420 ftw
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
