So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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