I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
These tits shall not be calmed
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
