Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
