just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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