I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
