I'm laying in your front yard are you home
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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