You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
