you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
