Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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