spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
