I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
