Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
