Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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